Even the strongest among us needs to feel safe. Sometimes, something very small can destroy something great. A powerful runner can trip over a small stone and fall, losing the race. A slim arrow, rightly placed, can end the life of a majestically-proportioned elephant. A single cruel word or mean facial expression can wound the heart of a human being.
This latter example is especially true when the person is not mighty and strong but is, instead, a fragile ESL student. I want to make it clear that you, as a person, may not be fragile. In your home country, you may have been an individual filled with personal strength and confidence. You had family surrounding you. You may have had countless friends; you may have even been the leader of your group—admired, respected, loved. You may have been highly educated and had an upper-level job. Were you a teacher? An engineer? A doctor? Suddenly, though, you are in a new country, and so much of that strength and assurance you had is gone. Because you are not fluent in English, you cannot find a job to match the skills you have acquired. Nobody here knows you. They do not know the confidence you had at home. Your true identity seems hidden now. Where is the respect? Where is that lovely feeling of being included and accepted? You have, in some ways, become fragile. You need a safe place to go. You need the safety of friends.
This sense of fragility and vulnerability is normal in your situation, for so much of our self-confidence is based on our sense of identity. When we move to a new place, that identity is usually weakened. Thus, we need to rebuild it, but this takes time. You, as an ESL student, need to know how to best begin rebuilding your identity and self-assurance. You need to grow strong again. You cannot survive well if you remain fragile. You will get hurt too often, and the pain will discourage you. There are sure ways to blossom in a new environment….
Look for friendly faces. In any place and in any culture, there are people who have a light inside of them. They have an acceptance of people that transcends borders of countries, skin color, and all kinds of differences. They love people simply because they know we are all the same inside and that we are just trying to get through life with as little pain as possible. People with this light inside want to help. This light will often be evident through a smile on the face, and these people tend to smile at strangers. They are the ones with the open spirits, the kind souls. You will do well to respond to their smiles. Watch these individuals. Keep track of where you see them. One smile can lead to a brief exchange of words. A few words can lead to a conversation. You know that a conversation can lead to a new friendship. As you speak to these people, you will know right away by their attitude toward you whether or not they are patient and accepting of new cultures. They will either make an effort to understand your accent or not. If they do not, you know that they are probably not the “safe place” you are looking for. Move on. When you find people who make that effort to communicate with you despite your accent and lack of vocabulary, keep coming back to them. You will gain the chance to learn about them, and they will learn who you are. When others listen as you talk about yourself—where you come from and your interests and abilities—you start to regain your identity, for you will be recognized as an individual. Then you can develop the basic skills you need while basking in the light of their acceptance.
Take chances. It takes courage to put yourself forth. Even if someone seems friendly, you don’t want to assume they want to be your friend. I know. Nevertheless, you will have to take the risk. Choose someone with whom you would like to be friends—someone who seems to have that special light inside. Start by sitting at the same study table in the library, for instance. Sometimes just sitting near someone friendly while you study makes a big difference in how you feel inside your heart. Start noticing when this particular student comes to the library or other study place and try to be there at the same time. You can develop a routine where you see the same friendly student on a regular basis. You will start to experience a feeling of comfort as you exchange smiles. A sense of companionship will begin to bloom. Even doing something as simple as borrowing an eraser or asking him or her to watch your belongings while you run to the bathroom creates an environment of trust and camaraderie. When you feel enough at ease, you can ask him or her a simple question. Listen carefully and ask the student to repeat what he or she said if you do not understand. Notice his or her reaction to you. You may feel awkward, but do it anyway. Allow the student to feel a little uncomfortable, too, for it is difficult to speak and not be understood. When you engage in a conversation, you are exchanging identities. It is natural to feel shy and awkward when a language barrier prohibits smooth conversation. Let this be a slow process, for true growing of any kind must happen gradually.
Move your seat. Most of the time in a college setting, professors allow the students to sit wherever they want. There usually is no set seating chart. This is your chance to keep your eyes open for the most friendly, serious students. During class, in addition to listening to your professors, watch the other students. Notice the ones who raise their hands to ask questions or participate. If these students seem friendly, you know you have found a safe place. Now, even if you have been sitting in one place so far, you can decide to move to sit near these students. When you do this, you are placing yourself in the best environment to learn and strengthen your sense of identity. When you sit close to these active students, there is more of a chance to interact with them daily and to have your own voice heard. If the professor suggests group discussions, you are already close to the ones with whom you feel most safe and accepted. Remember that this, too, will be a slow process. It is never easy to risk speaking up and being hurt.
I want you to remember that even in your home country it is not easy to speak up in class. Unless you are one of those super-confident people, it is hard to raise your hand and ask the professor to clarify a point. It is daunting to meet new friends. We want to be loved and accepted and are not sure we will be. We are always taking risks and pushing ourselves to be stronger. Naturally, all this becomes more difficult when we do not speak the language of our new country fluently. That is why finding a safe place is so necessary. If we do not feel safe, we will not be able to move forward.
I want you to move forward.